SAHM vs. SAHD vs. SAHP

So, I'm a full time working mom.  I get up in the morning, shower and am lucky enough to have about an hour with the Bean before I have to go and put in a 8-9 hour work day.  Most evenings, I just make it in time to read her a book, give her some milk (breastmilk!) and put her down.

During the day, I talk to my husband on average of 3 times- because the poor guy craves adult conversation.  And I feel for him, I really do.

But he's not so pleasant everyday.  He has a tendency to 'blame' me for having a 'good time' at work and talking to adults.  As though, going back to work was really my first choice.

I wanted to stay at home and raise my daughter.  But that wasn't to be.  My husband lost his ok paying job in April 2011.  I got pregnant in July 2011.  He looked for work with the hopes and intentions of being able to find something that would be able to take care of the bills once I went out on maternity.

That didn't happen.  And as much as I wanted to be the stay at home mom, I was the parent who had a decent paying job.  Then I found a better job- better paying, better place, better overall.  

And not the Bean is growing and showing her character.  Being super stubborn about taking naps, or waking up on the wrong side of the bed, or having a lovely day.  Being the stay-at-home-parent means you have to deal with those ups and downs directly.  And I don't get to do that.

But it is certainly not my 'fault' that I have the opportunity to go out on a daily basis and converse with adults.  It's also not my husband's fault that I have to deal with crazy, demanding and sometimes obnoxious human beings just because they are paying me to throw them a party they think they can treat me like shit.

So, I'm at a loss as to what to say to my husband.  Short of yelling, 'then you go find a fucking job and let me stay home', what else do I say?

When he calls me for my opinion on a situation because he's feeling stressed and needs reassurance, then my opinion should be heard.  He's the stay-at-home-parent and he usually has a better idea of how to handle certain situations.  So, don't get upset with me if I recommend something you don't think will work.  

Actually, don't fucking ask me.  Because, to me, it seems as though he's just poking and looking for a spot to make himself feel better by making me feel shitty.

Homey don't play that.

This post wasn't meant to put down my husband- really it's just a rant.  But it's also a glimpse into a reality that more and more families are experiencing.  More and more dads are becoming the stay-at-home-parent and those same men are having to learn how 'masculinize' a role that has been socially a women's position in the household.  These men are learning to cope with the fact that they aren't necessarily the breadwinners and having to depend on their partners.

I try, I really do, to stay patient and to continue to be understanding.  But it wears on me.

Oh well.  I 'll keep moving on and reiterate to my husband that this is the right thing to do.  And hopefully not lose my mind in the process.

The first time I had to leave my little Bean for more than a couple hours....

Today at work, my colleague and I were chatting about parenting- much like we do often.  I am thankful hat she is understanding and indulges me by listening to my new parenting rants.  We were chatting specifically about having to leave your baby to go back to work for the first time after maternity leave.  She shared with me a blog post she wrote when she was 21, to her then 4 month old niece describing what she saw in her sister as a first time parent.  It is beautiful, it made me tear up- and it's pretty dead on to what I feel everyday.

Thanks Kristina.  You've motivated me to start writing about my own adventures, trials, tribulations, tears, laughter- and all that good AND bad stuff that comes with being a mother.  For the first time.  In Brooklyn.  In the 21st Century.   

And a full time working mother to boot.

I clearly remember the first day back to work after my four month maternity leave.  I wasn't excited about going back- and not just because I didn't want to leave my little girl- I HATED my job.  Actually, I loved my job, but I strongly disliked my boss.  He was (or rather is!) crazy and manipulative and demanding and hypocritical   And crazy.  It was, certainly not an experience I wanted to exchange for baby kisses and giggles.

I left the apartment.  And nearly went back 4 times.  I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't leave my little girl all day.  But I had to go.  I am the full time working parent in our little family- and my family depends on me bringing home that paycheck every week.  

It was a brutal walk, those 4 blocks to my subway.  I cried so much, any mascara I was wearing, surely streaked my cheeks.  I was a wreck- a mess.  But, and I hate to admit this, some little itty bitty part of me was feeling lucky too.  

As much as I love my daughter, I'm finally realizing that I need to have this.  This being, a career, a job, a life outside my home and family.  Don't get me wrong, if I could trade places with my husband, and know that his paycheck would cover our expenses- I would do it in a heartbeat.  But I also understand the luxury I have that my husband doesn't get to experience.  While being the stay at home parent is definitely an honor, it comes with its drawbacks.  

But that's all for another post.  

Welcome to Brooklyn Mommyhood.  Or at least the way I see it.