The first time I had to leave my little Bean for more than a couple hours....

Today at work, my colleague and I were chatting about parenting- much like we do often.  I am thankful hat she is understanding and indulges me by listening to my new parenting rants.  We were chatting specifically about having to leave your baby to go back to work for the first time after maternity leave.  She shared with me a blog post she wrote when she was 21, to her then 4 month old niece describing what she saw in her sister as a first time parent.  It is beautiful, it made me tear up- and it's pretty dead on to what I feel everyday.

Thanks Kristina.  You've motivated me to start writing about my own adventures, trials, tribulations, tears, laughter- and all that good AND bad stuff that comes with being a mother.  For the first time.  In Brooklyn.  In the 21st Century.   

And a full time working mother to boot.

I clearly remember the first day back to work after my four month maternity leave.  I wasn't excited about going back- and not just because I didn't want to leave my little girl- I HATED my job.  Actually, I loved my job, but I strongly disliked my boss.  He was (or rather is!) crazy and manipulative and demanding and hypocritical   And crazy.  It was, certainly not an experience I wanted to exchange for baby kisses and giggles.

I left the apartment.  And nearly went back 4 times.  I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't leave my little girl all day.  But I had to go.  I am the full time working parent in our little family- and my family depends on me bringing home that paycheck every week.  

It was a brutal walk, those 4 blocks to my subway.  I cried so much, any mascara I was wearing, surely streaked my cheeks.  I was a wreck- a mess.  But, and I hate to admit this, some little itty bitty part of me was feeling lucky too.  

As much as I love my daughter, I'm finally realizing that I need to have this.  This being, a career, a job, a life outside my home and family.  Don't get me wrong, if I could trade places with my husband, and know that his paycheck would cover our expenses- I would do it in a heartbeat.  But I also understand the luxury I have that my husband doesn't get to experience.  While being the stay at home parent is definitely an honor, it comes with its drawbacks.  

But that's all for another post.  

Welcome to Brooklyn Mommyhood.  Or at least the way I see it.