Mother's Day

It's been a few days since the Hallmark Holiday of Mother's Day, and the sting of it is passing.

Before I had my daughter, for the last several years Mother's Day had lost a lot of its meaning and significance to me.

I view Mother's Day as an opportunity to consider the woman in your life who is your mother and perhaps give her an official thank you (since I assume, you'd be thanking this woman many times over the year).  A mother who not only may have made sacrifices for you as a caregiver, but is also your friend, your role model, your support, your rock.  Maybe that's an unfair view of what mothers to me are- but that's what I want to be for my daughter.  I want her to be able to see my flaws, but appreciate my dedication to her becoming the best person I will ever know.

I know that having this view of what a mother is, that I may be putting pressure on myself- and maybe I'm setting myself a standard that's unreal.  But I just want my daughter to always like who I am- because she knows what I do is sound and from the heart- and above all emotionally HEALTHY.

My mother and I have had a very difficult relationship.  Well, it wasn't always that way, but once I started living life for me is when our relationship took on a lot of stress and difficulty.

You see, the living life for me part meant I would live my life the way I wanted to, the way I thought I should.  Which means making mistakes, loving and losing, and also not accepting others mistakes just because you are my parent, or elder, or whatever.  Because if the shit you do, affects me negatively, I can't have it.

My mother is an alcoholic.  She has been actively sick for at least the last 20 years.  And I'm sure it's longer than that, but before that point her alcoholism allowed her to act like an OK person.  She is also severely depressed which is only compounded by her drinking.

I don't know if it's my mother's alcoholism, or her personality or perhaps both- but as a result she has made some life decisions that included me that were not the best choices.  And are now, her decisions are coming back to haunt my little family.  Worst thing is, it's not the first time my mother's choices are directly impacting my life.

It's just that now, everything is different.  I have my own little family and I don't have the time, nerve, patience or whatever- to give into guilt.  I don't know why, but I have guilt towards my mom.  I don't know if it's directly related to her alcoholism  the way she raised me, because I have a younger brother who I took as my charge..... And the list goes on of these guilts.

Needless to say, I don't want these feelings or emotions to ever be felt by my daughter.  It's frustrating and feels unfair.  I want her to respect me, my decisions, my experiences and ultimately, my advice to her.  I hope that I can give her the best example of a strong woman who loves and lives.

Daughters Without Borders

I just read this post: Suburban Snapshots: Daughters Without Borders and it hit right on one of my most anxious challenges of raising a daughter.  This author might be suburban, but her anxieties and concerns are exactly my own raising a child in NYC.  True, my daughter is only a year old, but our children are forced to grow up and become "adults" sooner and sooner.  As a result, they encounter these situations that even adults are hard put to comprehend.

So, how do I keep my daughter's innocence but make her savvy to the ways of this big, bad world?

The love FOR my child

Honestly, I can't begin to explain the love I have for my daughter. I mean, it can be overwhelming.

There isn't anything specific she ever does that makes me love her more, but when she cuddles up to me before she goes to sleep- I melt. Seriously, my heart becomes a puddle of goo.

I can forgive her the times she gets cranky or she doesn't want to eat her meals.... When she looks at me with those all knowing eyes, deep in thought- I can't help think this kid knows more than me and for that I can't love her more. She's amazing. And my love FOR her just seeps out. Now I get all those parents who can't stop taking about their kid like they're the Golden Child.

I mean how could you not gush with love for this girl?

Fun and different kid gifts

This year, there's been a rash of baby showers and first birthdays.  Mazeltov!

But what the heck do you get the wee ones?  They certainly don't need toys or clothes (everyone else will get them clothes!).

You want to get them something fun!  Something the parents will appreciate!  Something reasonably priced!

Tamara Pang of Brookidlyn creates some of the most fun and unique items for baby and kids.  I LOVE her stuff!  And I warn all my friends who either just had babies or are expecting- you'll be getting something from me and the hubby that we bought from her.

Check out her Etsy store- BROOKIDLYN.

And here's the Bean staying nice and cozy in one of Tamara's creations!

SAHM vs. SAHD vs. SAHP

So, I'm a full time working mom.  I get up in the morning, shower and am lucky enough to have about an hour with the Bean before I have to go and put in a 8-9 hour work day.  Most evenings, I just make it in time to read her a book, give her some milk (breastmilk!) and put her down.

During the day, I talk to my husband on average of 3 times- because the poor guy craves adult conversation.  And I feel for him, I really do.

But he's not so pleasant everyday.  He has a tendency to 'blame' me for having a 'good time' at work and talking to adults.  As though, going back to work was really my first choice.

I wanted to stay at home and raise my daughter.  But that wasn't to be.  My husband lost his ok paying job in April 2011.  I got pregnant in July 2011.  He looked for work with the hopes and intentions of being able to find something that would be able to take care of the bills once I went out on maternity.

That didn't happen.  And as much as I wanted to be the stay at home mom, I was the parent who had a decent paying job.  Then I found a better job- better paying, better place, better overall.  

And not the Bean is growing and showing her character.  Being super stubborn about taking naps, or waking up on the wrong side of the bed, or having a lovely day.  Being the stay-at-home-parent means you have to deal with those ups and downs directly.  And I don't get to do that.

But it is certainly not my 'fault' that I have the opportunity to go out on a daily basis and converse with adults.  It's also not my husband's fault that I have to deal with crazy, demanding and sometimes obnoxious human beings just because they are paying me to throw them a party they think they can treat me like shit.

So, I'm at a loss as to what to say to my husband.  Short of yelling, 'then you go find a fucking job and let me stay home', what else do I say?

When he calls me for my opinion on a situation because he's feeling stressed and needs reassurance, then my opinion should be heard.  He's the stay-at-home-parent and he usually has a better idea of how to handle certain situations.  So, don't get upset with me if I recommend something you don't think will work.  

Actually, don't fucking ask me.  Because, to me, it seems as though he's just poking and looking for a spot to make himself feel better by making me feel shitty.

Homey don't play that.

This post wasn't meant to put down my husband- really it's just a rant.  But it's also a glimpse into a reality that more and more families are experiencing.  More and more dads are becoming the stay-at-home-parent and those same men are having to learn how 'masculinize' a role that has been socially a women's position in the household.  These men are learning to cope with the fact that they aren't necessarily the breadwinners and having to depend on their partners.

I try, I really do, to stay patient and to continue to be understanding.  But it wears on me.

Oh well.  I 'll keep moving on and reiterate to my husband that this is the right thing to do.  And hopefully not lose my mind in the process.