Before I had my daughter, for the last several years Mother's Day had lost a lot of its meaning and significance to me.
I view Mother's Day as an opportunity to consider the woman in your life who is your mother and perhaps give her an official thank you (since I assume, you'd be thanking this woman many times over the year). A mother who not only may have made sacrifices for you as a caregiver, but is also your friend, your role model, your support, your rock. Maybe that's an unfair view of what mothers to me are- but that's what I want to be for my daughter. I want her to be able to see my flaws, but appreciate my dedication to her becoming the best person I will ever know.
I know that having this view of what a mother is, that I may be putting pressure on myself- and maybe I'm setting myself a standard that's unreal. But I just want my daughter to always like who I am- because she knows what I do is sound and from the heart- and above all emotionally HEALTHY.
My mother and I have had a very difficult relationship. Well, it wasn't always that way, but once I started living life for me is when our relationship took on a lot of stress and difficulty.
You see, the living life for me part meant I would live my life the way I wanted to, the way I thought I should. Which means making mistakes, loving and losing, and also not accepting others mistakes just because you are my parent, or elder, or whatever. Because if the shit you do, affects me negatively, I can't have it.
My mother is an alcoholic. She has been actively sick for at least the last 20 years. And I'm sure it's longer than that, but before that point her alcoholism allowed her to act like an OK person. She is also severely depressed which is only compounded by her drinking.
I don't know if it's my mother's alcoholism, or her personality or perhaps both- but as a result she has made some life decisions that included me that were not the best choices. And are now, her decisions are coming back to haunt my little family. Worst thing is, it's not the first time my mother's choices are directly impacting my life.
It's just that now, everything is different. I have my own little family and I don't have the time, nerve, patience or whatever- to give into guilt. I don't know why, but I have guilt towards my mom. I don't know if it's directly related to her alcoholism the way she raised me, because I have a younger brother who I took as my charge..... And the list goes on of these guilts.
Needless to say, I don't want these feelings or emotions to ever be felt by my daughter. It's frustrating and feels unfair. I want her to respect me, my decisions, my experiences and ultimately, my advice to her. I hope that I can give her the best example of a strong woman who loves and lives.
